I came to Innerbloom because I knew I was stuck in a rut.
I could understand cerebrally how I had wired my brain to crave alcohol for almost every imaginable scenario…
Had a hard day? A couple drinks will help.
Something went right?? Time to celebrate! Cheers!
Spending time with friends? Break the ice.
Feeling bored or sad or mad? Feeling anything at all?
You get the idea. My life was a minefield of triggers to drink. It was how I bribed myself to do chores I didn’t want to do. And my reward for completing a tough project or goal. And it didn’t seem like it was hurting anything…
Objectively I was achieving at a relatively high level. I was getting promotions at work, had remodeled and flipped a home, got engaged in the Swiss alps and a destination wedding in Mexico, had a healthy baby boy and was starting to pursue getting my private pilots license… my health had even held up pretty well over 15 years of increasing alcohol abuse and dependence.
Until it wasn’t. At 37 years old my bloodwork started coming back… not good. Scans confirmed fatty liver. Next stop psoriasis.
I wasn’t being the type of father I wanted to be. I had a big fight with my wife…police were called, later I got served divorce papers. It was time to make a list of everything I owned, so it could be fairly divided. I was angry and at odds with my coworkers.
Everything I had bottled up had been shaken, the cork had gone through the window, and there was a mess spilling out over my fingers and onto the floor.
I started therapy. I could see where I had gone wrong… pushed myself too hard. Didn’t set boundaries with myself or with others. And worst of all, I was falling into relationship patterns I learned from my parents, ones I always swore I would do differently.
Alcohol had been my crutch, had helped push down the self-doubt. The feeling that I was “Not Good Enough”. Alcohol had been my friend, my shoulder to cry on. Now I couldn’t see over the walls of the rut I had carved for myself… and self-doubt and “Not Good Enough” were leering down at me from above. How the hell was I going to get out of this one?
I had lost everything before, but I had never had this much to lose. I needed a miracle.
After my first treatment I knew something significant had changed in me. That’s right, after one treatment! I couldn’t believe it either. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. Feelings of guilt were replaced by worthiness. Sadness and anger with hope. Most importantly I didn’t have to argue with the persuasive little voice that told me I needed a drink. That just this time was ok. That I deserved it and needed it. That tomorrow and next time is when I’d make the big changes. That voice was silenced and for the first time I could hear my own inner voice… and with that came clarity of purpose.
Dr. Rivas, Cindy and Libby all told me ketamine was not a miracle cure, and I know what they mean. You don’t just take the medicine and all your problems go away. You have to want it, you have to choose it, and you have to work at it. But for me having a choice was the miracle. I feel like I was given a clean slate, it’s as if Dr. Rivas reached down a helping hand to pull me out of the well worn caverns of my rut. And instead of having to contend with the leering face of “Not Good Enough” at the top, Cindy was there to show me a better way… How to take a new path. It’s been 30 days with no alcohol and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to choose to jump back in the hole because I simply don’t feel the compulsion anymore.
The team is collectively compassionate and professional and knowledgeable and wise. They’ve clearly paid attention to every detail to help their patients have the best experience possible.
Also they are healers and everything they do unequivocally shows they do everything they do to help people. To give them a chance and a choice. They may have saved my life and my marriage and my gratitude is immense. If you can relate to anything I’ve said here I would whole heartedly recommend you start this journey with the Innerbloom team.
